just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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