I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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