census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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