Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
