So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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