I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Randomize
