i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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