She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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