He asked to "fluff my boner.."
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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