You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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