I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
