you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Randomize
