so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
