He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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