Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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