I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
