I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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