did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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