Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Randomize
