Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
