I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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