Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
50% drunk capacity currently
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
