I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
