I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
