so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
