you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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