Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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