Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
