if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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