just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
