I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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