The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize