capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
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