So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
