Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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