you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Vodka?
Forever.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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