if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
