Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
this boner is exhausting
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
not ubering you a puppy
I supernannyed him into submission
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
