talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
