i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
