I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
