Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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