if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
