I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Randomize
