I'm pants shitting drunk right now
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
