There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
