You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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