i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
