Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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