I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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