Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
The maid of honor just puked.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
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