I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
