My sheets look like a crime scene.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
