I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
